The Project Gutenberg eBook of Feline Philosophy

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Title: Feline Philosophy

Author: Walter Léon Hess

Release date: June 9, 2013 [eBook #42897]

Most recently updated: October 23, 2024

Language: English

Credits: Produced by The Online Distributed Proofreading Team at

http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images

generously made available by The Internet Archive.)

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FELINE PHILOSOPHY ***

FELINE PHILOSOPHY

BY THOMAS CAT

RENDERED INTO ENGLISH

BY

WALTER LÉON HESS

BOSTON

RICHARD G. BADGER

THE GORHAM PRESS

COPYRIGHT, 1919, BY WALTER LÉON HESS

All Rights Reserved

Made in the United States of America

The Gorham Press, Boston, U. S. A.

I have nine lives

And a number of wives—

But at last I must put a ban

On feline ways

And midnight lays

For now I live with man!

FELINE PHILOSOPHY

BY THOMAS CAT

FELINE PHILOSOPHY

BY THOMAS CAT

FIRST CATERWAUL

The family have gone to the country,

Horton, his wife and four children.

They took the butler and maids, the dogs,

The canaries and parrot. Shutters

They put on the house and the keys

Are turned in the locks. The silver

Was put in the vault and everything

Valuable carefully stowed....

Little Jack

Looked well for me. But when he found me

Was told to put me outside; a cat has no

Place in a house that is closed for

The summer.

When they were sorely troubled

With rats and mice they coaxed me to

Come to live in the cellar. They fed

Me richly on cream and the choicest

Bits from their lavish table. They gave

Me a rug to sleep, and taught the children

To pet me. All took turns to feed me and

They saved the bones of each fish.

The

Mice and rats disappeared; the rug

Is filthy, in tatters. Old Horton curses

And kicks me and kicks me down stairs when he

Meets me; warns the baby to heed my

Claws and the older children that

Cats breed all sorts of diseases. Edith

Has young men to call and “cannot abide

The cat that is covered with ashes.”

Only Jack remembers—which reminds me

How well I was treated. I was young when

They found me and now have grown wise in

Their councils.

I have no food and no

Lodging.

SECOND CATERWAUL

It’s more than a week since I’ve eaten

And my bed is made in the gutter. Well-fed

And beggars go by and their boots are

All alike ready as soon as they spy me.

Jack Horton went by with his father and

Stooped to whisper his secret. Old Horton

Jerked his arm and urged that he’d miss

The train. So even railroad time

Seems relentless as the procession

Passes over and about me. Between buying

A new suit for his party

And his affection

Even young Jack had no choice.

Now I have to hunt

And I’ve eaten a sparrow for breakfast.

I ate with infinite relish

Though I never ate one before;

I was starved and the murder and crime

Were lost in my terrible necessity.

My depravity is beginning to wear....

I shall wander down to the river....

I have heard Jack’s father say:

When a man falls so low as that

He had better drown himself than—

I’ve forgotten the rest; I cannot think

In my present state of mind.

THIRD CATERWAUL

Arrived at the wharf there was not

Another soul in sight ... except at the very end

Where sat a most woebegone looking Tramp

Smoking what was once a cigar

Of price. Half smoked it had been thrust

In the gutter at the theater-entrance

By a careless and prosperous merchant.

The Tramp was very near to the edge looking out

Over the water as blankly as a blind man.

A man! Look at him ... and I a mere cat!

No doubt Old Horton was right.... One leap

Into the darkness and all gloomy thoughts,

All trouble, like the half-finished cigar

Would give place to beautiful dreams and

Never-ending.... At least it cannot be much

Worse.... No! Far better than the foul gutter

And the murderous cravings for the unattainable.

I shall burst my bonds and jump in.

FOURTH CATERWAUL

It gave a terrible fright when I struck

The water. Even in filth and mud I found it more

Pleasure to swim than to drown. How comfortable

The gutter now seemed but my strength was

Utterly useless.... My thoughts had been

Less overwhelming than the murky slime that

Would kill me ... and to sink, to be swallowed

By fishes that had been sweet food for my palate.

A boat came out of the darkness and a brown

Arm folded me up from the last gasp in the river.

It was going out to a yacht and the mate was the

Man who rescued: “What luck with our rats and mice

To find this bedraggled feline.... Maggie can give

It some milk and the Master won’t curse for the

Vermin....”

Perhaps I was born as an antidote!

Perhaps I have no choice what to do!

But whatever may be I shall at least do

What is expected, the best that I can—

How else can I expect anything?

FIFTH CATERWAUL

Did you ever see a palace in a desert?

Ralph Dimon was a good catch and Irene’s

Father was very rich. Low necked dress,

Dress clothes, lace, jewelry, curtains of

Fine brocade, mahogany panellings and

Nickel-mountings dimmed the lights of Brough’s

Yacht and were more plentiful than the drops

Of water that had nearly drowned me.

As I was lifted over the side I saw the

Two lovers lounging in the bow where there

Were no lights; while inside the electric

Lamps burned neglected. The wind blew a gale

And I shivered; but comfortable surroundings

And even diamonds would warm anybody but a

Half drowned cat....

I wonder if pink ribbons

And a silver-mounted collar would have made

Me warmer or less hungry ... and I was most

Interested because Irene’s father never paid

His bills without a lawsuit.... Perhaps I might

With ribbon and collar have had food for the asking.

But an honest cat must be kicked around

The kitchen by Maggie. Maggie was used to it:

“Haven’t you better sense than to bring such

Rubbish aboard, Jim? Old Brough will miss the

Milk and there’ll be the devil to pay.”—And

To think how I could rid this palace of vermin....

But that would cost Father Brough money and

It wouldn’t show....

Jim put me ashore ... but I was grateful!

SIXTH CATERWAUL

What a terrible contrast: from an interrupted

Yachting trip to the garbage can! The smell

Of the sea is sweeter but I wasn’t dressed

For it.... The lure of a square meal is sweeter

Than the glitter of paste.

Think of finding a

Half beefsteak on top of the can! There was no

Gravy but it was cooked to perfection. I ate it

With relish, but should have enjoyed it better

If only some one would let me work for it—

Especially such a meal.... And yet they say beggars

Cannot be choosers.... I found a lot more in the can

To eat, but the steak satisfied me.

I was very tired; so I went to sleep beside the

Can....

When the collector came he took counsel of

My presence and hunted through to see what he could

Find of value. He looked up and down the street

And then slipped a half-roasted-chicken into his

Blouse; but not before casting me a look of

Triumph.... But I never can eat two meals at a

Sitting and chicken doesn’t agree with me. Then,

Too, even honey is nourishing, but it may give

One indigestion.... I hope he enjoyed the chicken

As much as I did my banquet....

Why, thought I, not

Offer to stay in this house where plenty runs

To overflowing....

It proved to be Brough’s!

SEVENTH CATERWAUL

I prefer the street and the gutter

To the hospitality Brough’s might have offered.

How lucky to be a cat

Free to accept or—refuse

What is offered!

EIGHTH CATERWAUL

I found a door that was open.

The grass in the entry was cut close;

The hangings and drawing-room furniture

Immaculate in their smug neatness. Even the

Windows were clean and the books on the

Shelves were well dusted. I wandered into

The kitchen where oilcloth was spotless

And tidy. Even the walls were fresh-papered....

No doubt to keep the kalsomine-water

From evaporating....

Table-manners in such

A house, I fear, are more real than the eating.

I turned about and went out lest the hairs

In my coat might scatter.

NINTH CATERWAUL

I have been housed with Jerolamon Jones

And his wife, whom they call “tame cat,”

For what seems a fairly long time. Jerry

They call him for short and short is the Bible

He reads. Lovers they are to the world and

To each other still more—for that is the

Judgment that counts.... Jerry has nights

“At the club” and loves his dear wife’s

Friends. She can always reach him by ’phone

But she wouldn’t do it for worlds as she

Trusts him beyond cavil or guile....

And the tame cat sits on the laps of a

Dozen or more of his friends—but only

When Jerry is home.

I followed Jerry one night

But his club was not where he went....

We came home exactly at twelve—and Marion

(That was his wife) was fast asleep in the sheets.

Fulton had kissed her that night—and of course

She told Jerry next day.... He trusted his wife

As she him....

They were playing the game

When I left—I left because only I

Knew how to end the farce!

TENTH CATERWAUL

I have wandered over the city aimless and homeless,

Hungered in mind and in body.

Days are not irksome in sunshine

And rain promises more when it ceases.

But the nights are so intimate

And the rays of one’s mind

Are perlucid.

Like a criminal tracing his steps

Back to the scene of iniquity,

I found myself in Horton’s neighborhood....

But the house was still closed for the summer.

ELEVENTH CATERWAUL

Mrs. Horton’s maid, Alice, came home

With the keys. She left the window open

When she went to the corner for food.

I took unfair advantage—thus experience has taught me—

Climbed in at the first opportunity.

I hid in her bedroom—the only door that was open.

After all I had suffered

Perhaps Jack would come back

And then my troubles be over.

For the first time in months

I slept without fear and in comfort....

It must have been after midnight

When Old Horton came in. It was pitch dark

So he couldn’t see me. It gave me uncanny pleasure

To follow him. He stole up to Alice’s room

As if a hundred were watching. The door remained

Gaping to the empty house and—me.

Presently Alice screamed and the harrowing sound

Frightens me even now.

Horton went back to his room

And the house resumed its stillness.

I sat on the floor by his bed

Lulled by his heavy breathing....

Out of the darkness there gleamed

A flash from the crack of a pistol.

Alice was fully dressed and quietly turned on her heel;

Left the house by the basement; walked to the corner

And river; threw something deep in its water; then back

To the house where she’d killed him—

Leaving the front door open.... I followed her up to her room

Where she undressed and went back to bed....

Dead in his they found Horton,

And on his tomb they inscribed:

“A LOVING FATHER AND DEVOTED HUSBAND.”

TWELFTH CATERWAUL

I’ve been sitting in the gutter and wondering—

Strange dreams come to me in strange places—

The glare of approaching motor

Bewildered my thoughts still more.

I saw stranger things in the shadows

Than the glow of the lights revealed.

And the deepest shadows

Close behind the gleaming arcs of the motor

Showed heads that were snuggled close.

Edith Horton was one

And Brough—who is married—the other.

No matter how dark the night its shame is refulgent

To Heaven.

The chain of my reverie was broken

As the lash will draw blood from the purest....

And yet I am only a cat that was nearly

Run over!

THIRTEENTH CATERWAUL

Jack Horton has taken me back—

His father’s boots are now mouldy.

Edith does charity work and teaches in

Sunday-school. Brough is the superintendent....

The mortgage on Mallory’s house

Was foreclosed on Saturday morning.

Mallory, wife and six children

Were sitting out on the street,

Their shabby trappings about them....

A syndicate bought the house

From Brough—his profit was ten thousand dollars.

Brough is rolling in wealth.

But Mallory now and Brough

Will seem to me much more alike:

Neither will pay his bills.

... But Jack is kind to me

And Brough’s not the milk

That I drink!

FOURTEENTH CATERWAUL

When Mallory worked in the shops

He drank up the wages he earned.

Now that he’s out of a job

He’s docile and kind to his wife

And dawdles the baby all day.

Old Horton used to say that Mallory

Was a good mechanic and a bad father.

Thus do critics fall out—Now that Old Horton

Is dead

He could not reverse his opinion

Nor the marble slab on his grave.

Joe Mallory was always Jack’s chum; so Jack got after

His friends.... Now he’s delighted and proud

For he found Mallory a job

Which Mallory thoroughly liked and took

For the price of giving up drink.

FIFTEENTH CATERWAUL

Edith was reading the paper

Breakfasting on the couch

At the foot of which I sat.

Her face was as pale as a ghost.... She read

Something twice out loud:

“James Brough in the Bankruptcy Court.

Squandered his fortune on women;

Many society girls in his net.”

She fainted just as her mother came in; so I

Quietly left the room....

And yet there is now a law

That the lamps of motors be dimmed!

SIXTEENTH CATERWAUL

Jack and his older brother went to the wharf

As Ralph Dimon is going abroad.

He’s going to stay for some time....

Irene’s been released

From a very long engagement.

Not only for mourning it seems

That weddings are postponed.

Irene looks dejected and weary—

She came to see Edith this morning.

The two are off for the mountains together....

They say Ralph was richer than Brough.

SEVENTEENTH CATERWAUL

They are sending Jack to boarding-school—

He debated long should he take me?

If only I were a dog!—but grown boys

Don’t make pets of cats....

He doesn’t know why he’s going away—

But I do: Alice, the maid, is in trouble

And Mrs. Horton is shocked—and doesn’t

Want Jack to know.

EIGHTEENTH CATERWAUL

Ever since Jack went away

Mrs. Horton has looked after me.

The day he left

She came to the window

And threw out Old Horton’s boots.

At first I thought they were thrown

At me—but it seems that she threw them

Wide of the window!

When I voiced my surprise

She hurried to me and now

I sleep on her divan!

NINETEENTH CATERWAUL

Clarence Horton, Jerolamon Jones and a few

Of the other young bloods had a party last night—

Hunt breakfast they called it, I think.

They started by talking of dogs—hounds and

Horse-flesh and mounts. I gathered that sort of sport

Leaves all the toil to the dogs

And the glory and brush to the hunter.

For this kind of thing

They were well fit—

And none of them went home too sober!

TWENTIETH CATERWAUL

Mrs. Horton sent Alice away—she left last night

After dark.

It was better the neighbors

Shouldn’t see!

There was no reason therefore

To send poor Jack away!—

Perhaps it was just as well?

Mrs. Horton wouldn’t have Alice around

Lest it embarrass Edith and—her....

I followed Alice some way and she seemed

Quite cheerful enough.

Waiting is much the same

No matter what one expects.

TWENTY-FIRST CATERWAUL

Brough is through with the Courts

And continues to ride in his car.

He called for Edith last night

When Mrs. Horton was out—she had gone

To the hospital where Alice was

Supposed to have gone....

Brough’s chauffeur

Isn’t paid but it’s the only way to get what

One wants—to keep right on

Especially when fishing for eels!

Brough is a financier—the rest of us

Only fish!

TWENTY-SECOND CATERWAUL

In my morning stroll I found

The Jerolamon Jones’ door stood open;

I looked about and went in

But received a scanty welcome—

Indeed I was promptly chased out

By the maid.

This afternoon Mrs. Jones called

To beg Mrs. Horton

To loan her the valuable cat

As the maid had discovered

A mouse.

Thus do values increase

And appreciation follow apace!

TWENTY-THIRD CATERWAUL

The maid that had chased me out

Fondled me as she carried me over

Till my fur bristled....

The mice have

Disappeared—I finished as luncheon was served,

And sat by the serving-table.

But the Joneses all ate so much

That I wasn’t even noticed—and when I was,

They sent me back to the Horton’s

At once....

Mrs. Horton fed me herself!

TWENTY-FOURTH CATERWAUL

I saw the maid, Alice, last night;

She was wandering near the bright lights

And the carnivorous shadows—Shadows

That burned to my soul as I saw her

Speak to a man. They went down the street

Together, the veil of darkness hid them,

And when I got home Mrs. Horton

Was telling a friend that “Alice

Was lost beyond any redemption; at any rate

She herself could no longer help!”—

What problems beset our family!

TWENTY-FIFTH CATERWAUL

Jack was home for Christmas

But I saw him hardly at all—

To the front door he now has a key

And the hours he keeps are quite varied.

One morning he slept very late

And the name that he spoke in his dreams

Was “Alice.”

Mrs. Horton was proud of her son and the party

She gave him was sumptuous.

TWENTY-SIXTH CATERWAUL

We have a new cook at the Horton’s

Who saves the bean water for soup....

I’ve enjoyed such broth at the Mallory’s,

But at the Horton’s!!!—

And their bills are always as large

As before Bridget was installed.

But Edith and Mrs. Horton are pleased

And the baby and I can’t complain!!

TWENTY-SEVENTH CATERWAUL

There’s a new baby at the Mallory’s

And the rest of the children are pleased;

Mallory and his wife are as happy as larks....

Edith Horton has a toy Angora

And Mrs. Horton has forgotten me—

Indeed she has put me out....

Again I must wander the streets!

TWENTY-EIGHTH CATERWAUL

I followed Alice last night

Down to her alley and room—

She stooped as she entered her door

And petted me much as she used to....

Then she cuddled her baby and seemed

Far fonder of it than Mrs. Horton of hers

And nearly as much

As Edith of her angora....

TWENTY-NINTH CATERWAUL

I sat on the curb at the corner

Just outside the saloon

Where politics rule and

Presidents are made and unmade.

Two men were discussing the War....

And when they were through, the conclusion

Was discussion untempered by argument....

Unconvinced I went on my way.

THIRTIETH CATERWAUL

All afternoon I sat in the shade

Of a hideous skyscraper

On the Avenue.

Women of all sorts went by

And their footgear and stockings

Were varied.

Skirts that our grandmothers used

To clothe five- and ten-year-old girlies

Revealed twelve inches of hose—

Nor the three-shade boots that shod them

Would help a Chinaman guess

The age of the wearers who proudly

Boasted this awful foundation....

And yet are most of the women

Sweet-souled and modest....

I polished my claws once again!

THIRTY-FIRST CATERWAUL

I looked in at the restaurant window

Through which gleamed a medley of color—

Diamonds, pearl pendants and rubies,

And ruby and gold was the wine

Blazing first in glasses rich-stemmed,

Then blazoned bright in the glances

Of women;

Some with their husbands and fathers,

Others leering and brazen—

But my milk tasted sweeter

Next morning, for to the poor

All things are pure!

THIRTY-SECOND CATERWAUL

I hadn’t eaten for hours

And all the house doors were shut—

The heat of the sun was oppressive

So I languished in the shade,

Though my appetite was appalling....

Beside there were plenty of sparrows

Ready to eat when I chose to....

But when the sun was gone,

So were the sparrows!

THIRTY-THIRD CATERWAUL

The Mallorys have taken me in....

Mallory says: one more to feed....

But the children like it to play

And it looks like Horton’s old cat

So it’s certain to be a good one....

Even if discarded.

THIRTY-FOURTH CATERWAUL

Mrs. Mallory read from the paper

Where wise ones answer fool’s queries

And this was one of the questions:

Is it possible a woman

Who has bitten her nails all her life

Since first she had teeth

Could so cause her baby

The affliction of two thumbs on one hand?...

Did they ever think that of cats?

THIRTY-FIFTH CATERWAUL

If we really had nine lives,

None akin to the others

And all the hopes of each life

Were answered in the next,

Perhaps a cat’s existence would

Still be unsatisfactory?

THIRTY-SIXTH CATERWAUL

Joe Mallory told Jack about Alice—

At least of her fate.

Jack found her address

And wanted to help....

And yet there are some

Who believe heredity infallible!

THIRTY-SEVENTH CATERWAUL

While Jack tried to smother

Alice’s wild burning fires

Joe never obtruded—

But when Jack was not watching

Joe brought more wood

To the kindling....

Still they were friends.

THIRTY-EIGHTH CATERWAUL

You should have read Brough’s

Obituary.... He died

When he’d rescued a fortune

By making hardware and debts:

... MOST RESPECTED MERCHANT ...

PHILANTHROPIST.... Loss to

The Community ... and over a

Dozen “Resolved’s.”

The Merchants’ Club framed his picture.

And to think

Generations of men proudly

Will claim his descent!

THIRTY-NINTH CATERWAUL

Edith Horton is married—

(Joe Mallory went to the wedding)—

Many a thorn-edge is dulled

By brushing it by in a hurry....

And roses often change hue

Between the bright sun and the limelight.

FORTIETH CATERWAUL

I watched a man cranking his motor.

It stalled....

He tinkered with levers

Till he gave it up in despair

And stood disconsolate staring.

When he cranked it again

It started so quickly

That it raised the hair of my coat.

FORTY-FIRST CATERWAUL

Jones’ collie and Mallory’s hound

Were discussing a new-found bone

With vicious snarling and snapping

And other unseemly behaviour....

On the fence above them I sat

Distressed....

Neither dared touch the prize....

Nor would either allow the other.

Then Jerry and Joe both whistled....

The bone lies forgotten and wasted.

FORTY-SECOND CATERWAUL

It grew very warm in the house,

The Mallorys mopping and sweating—

Perspiration is fuel for temper—

Even I couldn’t stand the heat

Nor tell them no windows were open....

But cats are always too obvious;

So I went out for a walk.

FORTY-THIRD CATERWAUL

Alice is dead of consumption....

All Jack’s efforts were useless;

Disconsolate he tried to comfort

The last of her wasted moments....

“God will forgive you,” he whispered....

Yet who is the judge of the Damned?—

And Joe is much disappointed

Though he feels he may have hurried

Alice’s end.... I wonder

What I repent?—or is it only

Regret?

FORTY-FOURTH CATERWAUL

All my life I have studied

The passerby-faces

And known them....

Sometimes they noticed me;

Others more often seemed

Unconscious I saw them.

I wondered what they were thinking....

Or had they no thoughts

But like wax that responds

To momentary impressions?

I’m sure I read all the faces....

Did I know them—

Except when they kicked me

Or petted?

FORTY-FIFTH CATERWAUL

At last I have to confess

That all my judgment is blinded!

Jack and Joe are now partners,

Croesus and Job united

In one homogeneous effort....

And yet my kind make nights hideous

By howling continuous calamity!

FORTY-SIXTH CATERWAUL

Now that the Mallorys have money

They haven’t changed the brand

Of my milk nor their butcher.

They wear more clothes

And better; but they still

Continue to pet me.

FORTY-SEVENTH CATERWAUL

Joe sent Pat Mallory through college;

Up there Pat says that his father

Is Superintendent of power—

Old Mallory’s just a plain foreman—

But Pat still with reason

Differs

From the verdict given by Horton,

For Pat still worships his father,

And still calls me

Poor old Cat....

FORTY-EIGHTH CATERWAUL

I heard Pat talking of college—

Some of Pat’s friends have been visiting—

I wondered what they were learning!

Pat is surely improving.

Still Joe would always have prospered

In or out of a college—

And yet I shall always be

Just a cat.

FORTY-NINTH CATERWAUL

I’ve watched in the rain and snow

Sunshine and cloudy weather

For any change in my spirit;

But whether I’ve eaten a fish

Or had just a drink of milk,—

Only that I found made

A difference.

FIFTIETH CATERWAUL

Go on with your work—

Patient Stranger!

I’ve told you enough of my

Wanderings.

The Mallorys are troubled with mice

And never close house for the summer!

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