Tar-Heel Tales in Vernacular Verse
Date: 2017-07-04T00:00:00+00:00
Keywords: North Carolina -- Poetry; North Carolina -- Anecdotes

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Title: Tar-Heel Tales in Vernacular Verse

Author: J. E. P. Doyle

Illustrator: Bonar

Release date: July 4, 2017 [eBook #55042]
Most recently updated: October 23, 2024

Language: English

Credits: Produced by MFR, Paul Marshall and the Online Distributed
Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was
produced from images generously made available by The
Internet Archive)

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TAR-HEEL TALES IN VERNACULAR VERSE ***

Tar-Heel Tales
IN VERNACULAR VERSE.

BY MAJOR JEP JOSLYNN.

NEW YORK:

M. Doolady, 98 Nassau Street.

1873.

“LITTLE BOOTS.”

MY RERLIGION.

THE BUZZIN’ BEES OF BERKS.

BOB MUNN OF CAPE COD.

Tar-Heel Tales IN Vernacular Verse.

BY MAJOR JEP JOSLYNN.

ILLUSTRATED BY BONAR.

NEW YORK:

M. DOOLADY, 98 Nassau Street.

1873.

Entered according to act of Congress, in the year 1873,

BY J. E. P. DOYLE,

In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington.

Author’s Preface.

The author of this little volume, in presenting it for the amusement of the reader, and the criticism of his co-laborers on the press, feels it proper that he should state the circumstances of its production.
While serving as a staff officer with Sherman’s army in North Carolina, often has he listened for hours to the recitals of adventures on the part of the Tar-Heel refugees from the pineries, who crowded our camps in search of food. Having studied with interest the habits and quaint dialect of this poor, but honest class, the author has created Major
Jep Joslynn, and permitted him to weave some of these “Tales” into verse. The incident described in “The Buzzin’ Bees of Berks” were actually witnessed by him while on the advance of Hambright’s brigade of the Fourteenth corps, assisting in the prevention of pillage. Two or three of these Tales have been published in the press over Major
Joslynn’s signature. With these explanations the author will take a back seat and request silence from pit to dome while the veracious
Tar-Heel entertains you with his Vernacular Verses.

HORACE GREELEY.

By Jep Joslynn.

Hush! a nation’s pulse stands still!
Through it is flashed a thrill
Of genuine grief!
Grief for the Great and Good—
Grief for the one who stood
In strong relief,
And half a century braved
Opinion for the enslaved,
To find his name engraved
On Life’s clear leaf!

A rustic child of ours,
Who in Green Mountain bowers
Was born to earth,
Attained a giant life
’Mid scenes of bitter strife
That prov’d his worth!
And, dying, leaves behind him,
In hearts that have enshrined him
Affection’s links that bind him
To every hearth!

Let the solemn church bell toll
For the passing of a soul
To peaceful rest:
Let tender tears be shed
For the illust’rous dead
Who’s hand we’ve prest!
For hearts to-day are riven—
A Light went out at even
To glow anew in Heaven
Among the Blest!

—New York Evening Telegram.

To
FREDERIC HUDSON,

THE TALENTED JOURNALIST AND COURTEOUS GENTLEMAN, WHOSE
FRATERNAL INTEREST IN YOUNG WRITERS, AND WHOSE
CONSIDERATE AND PATIENT TREATMENT OF ALL WITH
WHOM HE HAS HAD BUSINESS RELATIONS, HAVE
ENDEARED HIM TO THEM, THIS VOLUME IS
DEDICATED, BY HIS LATE SUBORDINATE AND SINCERE ADMIRER,

The Author.

CONTENTS.

| PAGE.
The Curse of Pedergogue Scott | 9
Bob Munn of Cape Cod | 16
My Rerligion | 24
Little Boots | 32
The Buzzin’ Bees of Berks | 39
That Little Black Pet of Our’n | 49
Old Tom Gin | 57
The Sign of Joe Ball | 66

ILLUSTRATIONS.

Planting the Thistles | 13
Bob Munn’s Transfiguration | 21
Deacon Sparling’s Devotion | 26
The Tar Heel’s Return | 35
A Mule’s Baptism | 46
Jonah’s Landlord | 50

The Curse of Pedergogue Scott.

THAT’S a question I don’t like ter speak of:
How these pesky thistles come here;
But, boys, if ye will listen attentervely,
I will breathe a strenge tale in yer ear.

But afore I bergin I would warn ye,
Ye may fix yer faces ter blush;
So jist let thar be silence all around
And I’ll spin the yarn with a rush.

Ha! ha! ha! I larf when I think of it—
The days when a youngster I sat
On a rough pine bench in the lorg school house,
And din’d orf the rim of my hat!

The other boys war bigger than I war,
And studied thar lesson right well,
While I ermus’d myself as I wish’d ter
In quar tricks on which I’ll not dwell.

I war ter young ter learn my letters,—
They let me ’tend school for all that;
And then when I run short of ermusement
I jerk’d at the tail of the cat!

As I increas’d in years and mischief,
Sich as hazin’ our neighbor’s pig,
Pourin’ ink on the floor, or applyin’
Powder’d chalk ter the master’s wig—

Richard Scott—that war the pedergogue’s name—
Declar’d in wrath he’d be killin’
Me, if I did not be quiet and sit
Bertween ter gals—I war willin’!

Young as I war I lik’d that ye may swar
On the hilts of yer bowie knives;
And though but eight years I bergun ter sigh
For a plurality of wives!

Now, Tip Tracey, ye may smile over thar
At the picter I’ve painted you;
But that gal-punershment of Richard Scott
War a pleasure ter them gals, too!

By-an’-by I had master’d my letters,
And bergun on my b i bi’s;
From that I prergress’d to somethin’ better—
Admirin’ my companions’ eyes.

Nearly every day I got the ferule
Jist for winkin’ at Sue Minals;
But very soon I had so far prergress’d
I war plighted ter sev’ral gals!

I had not been ter school quite a twelvemonth
When I’d whal’d each boy in the class,
Kiss’d and hugg’d every gal, eaten Scott’s lunch,
And ten rivals had sent ter grass!

I put toads in Scott’s pockets, and dead mice
Scatter’d everywhar in his desk,
Till he froth’d at the mouth in his madness,
And cuss’d me for a little pest.

All this tuk place over in Canada,
Whar my gov’ner had gone ter preach
The Gospel of Jesus ter them sinners,
As successor ter Elder Beech.

But don’t tire at th’ length of my story:
I’m drawin’ erlong ter the close,
Whar I gather’d the seeds that have blarsted,
And fill’d a whole nation with woes.

One day when I’d been worse than usual,—
Put snuff in the master’s whistle—
Old Scott tuk me out berhind the rear wall,
And sot me down on a thistle!

An hour and a half he held me thar,
While the barbs pen’trated the skin!
Havin’ planted the crop, the pedergogue,
With my trousers harrer’d it in!

That harrerin’ event I can’t forget,
For it fairly set me rantin’:
I wood not car’d had the agricult’rist
Chosen higher soil ter plant in!

But that war cruel, and for months I felt
Them bull thistle seeds takin’ root,
And creepin’ about in the tender flesh
From hat crown ter toe of my boot.

After that I went back on old Dick Scott,
And lit out for York State ye bet;
But each Spring I war sowin’ the thistles,
No rest anywhar could I get.

I have toted them thistles all over,
And planted ’em in every field,
Whar I’ve halted ter rest; but dog on it!
Thar seems a ter bounterful yield!

Now, neighbors, that is a right true story
I’ve told ye, and is it not queer
That I cannot get shut of ’em? That is
How Canada thistles reached here!

So whenever ye cut down yer thistles
Don’t cuss me ter strong. May I rot
In a roadside ditch if I can help it!
They are the curse of Richard Scott!

Bob Munn of Cape Cod.

I BERLIEVE it’s cornceeded on all sides
That of all the cute bipeds made
Since the world war created, the Yankee
Allers gets the best in a trade!

It’s a boast that no race can match ’em
In expedients sure ter win:
And all others must get up right early
If they would n’t be taken in!

As a proof of this ere declaration
They tell of one up at Cape Cod,
Who’s so all-fir’d smart he endeavor’d
Ter play a trump kerd at his God!

He’s a fisherman by occerpation,
Is this feller they call Bob Munn;
And ter dry his fish he ask’d mandamus
Ter sercure more light from the sun!

The court would not listen ter the motion,
But this action did not appall:
He fix’d up a merchine ter uterlize
The rerfulgent rays of old Sol.

With powerful glasses he center’d
The rays on his cargoes of cod,
And chuckl’d right smart at his success
In stealin’ the smiles of his God!

For a time his merchine work’d ter a charm,
And his sackerlege war endur’d;
While his rivals in trade war astonish’d
At the many quintals he cur’d.

But Bob Munn, he grew bold in his averice,
And the splendid march he had stole
Upon his Creator and his rivals,
E’en at the expense of his soul.

He had read in the Scripters of Lot’s wife
Who ter salt war chang’d in a night,
As a punershment for diserbedience
And exercizin’ wimin’s right—

(A right ter pry inter other’s affa’rs
By evesdroppin’ if she’s inclin’d,
For which each one of ’em should be treated
As Lot’s mistress what look’d berhind.)

But, endin’ he aposterphe, I must
Return ter the exploits of Munn,
Who ignor’d the bounty of Jerhover,
And corntiner’d ter steal the sun!

The story of Lot’s wife impress’d him
With a more avericious wish—
The diskivery of arter-fish-al means
For ter salt his catches of fish.

On the shores of Cape Cod in them days
Many old maids sigh’d alone
For the lips of a man ter caress ’em,
And the means ter sercure a home.

They had been doom’d ter sore diserpointment,
The girlish bloom had diserpear’d,
Leavin’ a shad-er of thar lost beauty
On the features so dry and sear’d.

Bob Munn, he long ponder’d on the subject
Of testin’ that ere recerpe,
What work’d ter a charm at old Gomorrer,
And set a poor hen-peck’d man free!

God had smil’d upon his undertakin’s,
And he felt he might tempt him still,
With a more ingenious expererment,
Ter bring a fresh grist ter his mill.

Then he sent out many invertations—
Corlected the maids at his board,
And while they war gossippin’ o’er thar tea
In his chamber he ask’d the Lord—

Ter merakerlously chenge ’em ter salt
The cheaper ter cure his fresh cod;
Then in faith he erose from his marrers,
And his sinful tamp’rin’ with God!

Now Bob Munn in his folly expected
On rejinin’ his guests ter find
The work he’d mapped out for the Master,
Perform’d by His Infernite mind.

But not so. On reachin’ the tea-drinkers,
Whar he trusted ter git his wish,
No pillars of salt war thar; but harf of
Munn’s carcass war cheng’d ter a fish!

Bob Munn soon diskiver’d it war wrongful,
And, chagrin’d tuk ter the water:
Becomin’ an amphibious anermal,
The first mermaid war his daughter.

Two centuries have pars’d away since then;
The mermaids have multerplied,
And, old mariners say, it all comes from
Lovin’ fish premerturely dri’d!

And, although I won’t vouch for it, they say
This is why the Yankees like cod,
Car’fully season’d, and salted and cur’d
By the means pervided by God.

But the moral—ye see it war sinful
Ter tempt the Almighty ter fast!
And this story will show ye how He got
The best of that Yankee at last!

Whenever ye hear tell of a mermaid
Be warn’d by the sin of poor Bob,
Who attempted ter stock the kerds upon
His Maker, but—botch’d the job!

My Rerligion.

I DO not gamble much on Rerligion,
Nor show a sanctermonious look
Down here under my hat when they mention
The Bible—that spiritu’l book—

What’s a guide-board ter every stray traveler
In the pathway leadin’ ter God;
I do not clasp my hands in dervotion,
And at the church minister nod,—

Extollin’ his favorite utterances;
Nor jine in the fervent “Amen,”
That the folks in the meetin’ may think me
One of them most pious laymen.

Nor go down on my marrers durin’ pr’ar,
Raise my eyes ter Heaven and cry
Ter God ter pour out His Holy Spirit,
And bless me with grace from on High!

In meetin’ I do not yell out “Glory!”
“Bless the Lord who died for sinners!”
“Come down, dear Jesus; I’ll clasp ye right here!”
Nor ’nvite the parson ter dinners.

I’ve sarch’d from Gen’ses ter Reverlation
For a precerdent, but I can’t
Find that Christ and His Erpostles have spent
The Sabbath in boisterous rant!

The knees of my Sabbath mornin’ trousers
May not show same ermount of war’
As those of Deacon Horatio Sparling,
Who’s worn holes in his’n at pra’r.

I may not show the white of my eyes, like
The Deacon who looks for rerward
For countin’ the number of the rarfters,
When they pars the cup of the Lord!

I am not in the habit of tellin’
Sinners they’ll be left in the lurch,
In the last great day when Jerhover comes,
If thar not members of the church!

Or skeerin’ ’em with brimstone and fire,
And the vengeance of thar Maker,
If they turn thar backs on the Pascal Lamb,
And fail ter be a pertaker!

I do not prerclaim ter all my neighbors
Who’ve not bow’d down in corntrition
And jin’d the meetin’, that they’ve cartenly
A through ticket ter perdition!

That when the Lord shall come in His glory,
If thar not as pure as snow,
He will hurl His hot bolts of wrath at ’em,
And tell ’em ter git up and go!

That when the ran’som’d have enter’d in,
With the Lord ter thar final rest
In Heaven, and have put on the white robes
Emblermatical of the Blest—

The guilty sinner will be shunted orf
Ter lakes of sul-furious fires
Whar murderers, burgulars and drunkards
Pursue thar unlicens’d desires.

It is true I do not wrench from the poor
Part of the proceeds of thar sweat,
That my name may look large on subscriptions,
And that I may complerments get!

And be known as a great pherlanterpist
When they pars the corlection plate,
That receives money wrung from a brother,
Or filch’d from his orphan’s erstate!

O, no! I will freely own up ter it:
This sort of Rerligion don’t meet
My views of what’s right—what Jesus rerquires
Of all what come near ter His seat.

My idea of Christianity
Is of quite a different type,
And all them supercillious ranters
Who think for the Harvest thar ripe,

That, through thar pra’r and thar false prerfession,
They have been cleans’d of all thar sin,
Will find, when they apply for admission,
They have a slim chance ter get in!

My Rerligion is not a prerfession
That “I am holier than thou!”
That a man can not serve his Creator
If he don’t make a saintly bow!

The follerers of the Blessed Jesus,
Who war cradl’d in a menger,
Will strive ter love thar neighbor as themselves,
And gladden the lonely strenger—

With kindnesses what go home ter the heart
In hour of his greatest need,
And act the part of the Sermaritan,
Of whom we all derlight ter read.

I may be a sinner, and I doubt not
Have done heaps of things that war wrong;
But I love the example of the Lord,
And in secret pour out in song—

My acknolergements for His great bounty;
And I strive ter keep His commands,
What war written on tablets by Moses,
When Jerhover guided his hands!

In them, Commandments ye get the essence
Of the Truth as given ter man;
And if a poor sinner lives up ter ’em,
And labors the best that he can—
No matter if he is out of the church,
Whar the wicked ones are cryin’
For mercy! He’ll not be with the Deacon
Blubb’rin’ at the gates of Zion!

Little Boots.

WAL, neighbor, ye have got me right sure
When ye put a question like that:
The age of my youngster—“Little Boots,”
So frolicksome, funny and fat?

The year and the day he war cradl’d
By the nurse what waited about;
And stood watch over Polly jist thar,
And heer’d his first inferntile shout?

He’s a brilliant pearl in our cabin—
Is “Little Boots”—that’s cartenly true:
But durn me if I know he war born!
Maybe—like Miss Topsey—he grew!

Come, strenger; bring yer cheer ter the fire.
Here’s some juice of the grape. Maybe
Ye’ll not stand upon manners jist now,
For I’ve no great larnin’, ye see.

So I’ll tell ye the story of “Boots”—
Dog on’d strenge as ’t may seem ter you;—
But may my ha’r be cheng’d ter black snakes
If it is not Scripterly true!

Ye see, we come down ter Car’lina
Five years ago, comin’ next Fall,—
Polly and me, and our setter dorg:
Without a mule or beast ter haul.

Here I knock’d up a little cabin,
And skeer’d up a nigger or so,
At odd times ter jine in the plantin’,
And a startin’ the crop ter grow!

Wal, for a time we prosper’d right smart—
Long afore “Little Boots” war born—
But we fretted in vain for a somethin’,
Though harvestin’ cotton and corn.

But the drought spil’d the crops, and one day—
Leavin’ Polly ter boss the help—
I kissed her good bye, and dug out
Ter rough it a while by myself!

Three years I work’d hard in the gold mines—
’Way out in the mountains, ye see,
Whar a feller don’t have sich comforts
As a wife and a boy on the knee!

Wal, at last I grew rather homesick,
And, ’thout writin’ Polly a word,
I ti’d up my kit for a journey,
And—slop’d for the home I prerferr’d?

Forty days I war comin’ ter Clark’s:
A week brought me here ter the door,
When I peek’d through a hole in the wall:
“Little Boots” war squat on the floor!

The supper war spread on the table,
And Polly war pourin’ the tea
For Tom Smart, who had dropp’d in jist then
Ter hear if she’d got word from me.

Now, Tom Smart war an old friend of our’n,
Who had shown much friendly corncern
In Polly and me, and, heaps of times,
Had render’d a neighborly turn!

But, ter come ter the pint; I cornfess,
I chuck’d my rerligion erside!
And when they decla’r’d this boy war mine,
I cussed ’em, and told ’em they lied!

For, strenger, I’d been away three years
From Polly and home, yet, forsooth,
The youngster they tried ter palm on me,
Had only jist cut his first tooth!

But Polly, she kiss’d me so kind-like,
And prertested that she had been true,
That I tuk “Little Boots” ter my arms,—
Why, strenger, what else could I do?

Since then I’ve been thinkin’ it over:
How this youngster chanc’d inter life,—
Durn me, if I don’t fear it’s the fault
Of Tom Smart and Polly, my wife!

I don’t like ter suspicion my Polly
Who’s jist now appearin’ in view;
But, somehow, I don’t think it’s nat’ral
That our “Boots” should come thus. Do you?

However, I’ll not fret erbout it:
Say nothin’; my wife’s at the door:
But one thing take note on:—We’re happy,
And—Tom Smart don’t come here no more!

Now that is the whole histry of “Boots,”
A plaguey quar case. It’s not clear!
How this boy can be mine I can’t guess,
Or how in the world he reach’d here!

But he’s Polly’s, that’s carten and sure,
And I admit him inte my heart,
Although he bars a strikin’ rersemblance
Ter that Tar-heel known as Tom Smart!

The Buzzin’ Bees of Berks.

BOYS, ye ask me ter spin ye a story
Of adventer by flood or field,
Or stand for licker ter bits at the bar,—
Ter the former, of course, I’ll yield;
For I’m rather short of greenbacks jist now,
Havin’ been out of work some time.
So, hear goes for a yarn, but ye must not
Make sport of my effort at rhyme—

For in youth I had no eddercation,
’Cept crumbs pick’d up by the way,
A scratchin’ figgers on the old school house
Of our pedergogue, Milton Gray.
Of course, ye know I war one of them chaps
What with Sherman march’d ter the sea,
From Atlanter, the stronghold we’d captur’d,
Ter the forts down on the ’Gechee.

It war in Nervember we burn’d the place:
On the seventeenth we cut loose
From our base of surplies, and started orf
Ter exercute Sherman’s ruse,
That he war playin’ on Hood, the rebel,
Who’d unkiver’d his flanks ter soon,
For he left the way cl’ar for us ter raid
Ter Servanner or ter the moon!

It war on that march the ervent tuk place
Of which I am goin’ ter tell,
Of how I ran inter a nest ef bees,
And thar got a foretaste of hell!
On the sixth day out we had got well down
In Berks county, n’ar the borders,
And on that ere raid, ye may bet yer pile,
We did not car’ much for orders!

But each man dug out upon his own hook,
And rush’d for the front and plunder:
N’arly all of ’em got thar full of it,
But some of the boys went under;
For, ye see, thar war stray rebels erbout,
Who would swing ’em up by the necks,
When they cetch’d ’em totin’ erway the grub—
And hundreds parsed in thar checks!

In them days I war not at all skeery—
Impressin’ a mule, I lit out
For the front, whar the bummers war raidin’
And scourin’ the country erbout—
Stealin’ chickens, or killin’ hogs by day,
(Or goin’ through a trunk, perchance;)
Then at night they would camp for ter eat ’em,
With pickets thrown out in advance.

They would coral thar mules in the forest,
Unsling knapsacks and build a fire,
Of pine logs, dry knots, or rails from the farms;
Then, chuck full of pork, they’d rertire
Ter slumbers disturb’d by the dyin’ squeals
Of swine they had slaughter’d for tea,
’Til they thought the devils had come back from
Those Jesus druv inter the sea!

As I have told ye, I jin’d the bummers
With my mule, my gun and canteen,
And the days that I roam’d about with ’em
War the jolliest I have seen;
But as we pars’d out of Berks one mornin’,
Far erhead of the “acorn” corps,
We soon diskiver’d a fine old homestead,
And a fair young gal in the door.

Now while I did not do any stealin’,
And paid cash for all I seized,
If thar’s one thing I love it is wimin,
And, if thar pretty, I am pleas’d;
And when I saw more than a dozen bee hives
Lercated right thar in the yerd,
And the boys goin’ quickly terwards ’em,
I felt that it war mighty hard.

I spurr’d up my mule, and then prertested
Not one should be tak’n from thar;
But the fellers jist snickered right out,
And told me ter go comb my ha’r—
And dry up, for they would have them hives
If they had ter eat bees berside,
And if I did not like it I could jist
Crawl out of my pesky old hide.

Objections war no use erbout them days;
And, like a cornsumate old fool,
I drew rein at the gate ef the house, and
Watch’d ’em from the back of my mule.
Then them soldiers made a sortie on the bees
With thar ponchos, and tuk ’em quick
Ter the stream near by whar they drowned them,
And lifted the hives from the creek.

While this war doin’ I sat on that mule,
Till Dick Mullens upset a hive,
And a swarm of mad bees came tearin’ out,
And, soarin’ around, made a dive
Right squar for my mule; they lit on his flanks,
And his neck, his ears and back:—
He rear’d and snorted, threw his head in air,
Then quickly tuk a le’ard tack!

And erway on a fearful race he broke
Over fences, lorgs, ditches and rocks,
Headin’ for the water under the hill—
He near shook me out of my socks!
On his break-neck race for that brook berlow
It war needless ter pull on the rein,
For that ugly mule war dead set upon
Gittin’ rid of his bitin’ pain!

With me the siteration war quite bad—
That mule’s hide war thicker than mine;
And when they lit on me I fit a while:
Then foller’d the mule’s bee line!
We reach’d the creek—ye may not berlieve it—
But that mule went down on his knees
In that ere stream, and roll’d over on me,
Jist ter rid himself of the bees!

The muddy water war full four feet deep,
And I came quite n’ar bein’ drown’d,
As with the old mule I battl’d thar,
With the bees what war buzzin’ ’round!
I shall never forget that frisky brute,
What flounder’d erbout and shook
Them ere buzzin’ insects from orf his ears,
And danced like mad in the brook,—

One minute he lay flat upon his back—
The next balanced, on his fores,
With his tail stuck out, and kickin’ like mad,
As the bees fell on him by scores!
Wal, while this battle war ergoin’ on
’Twixt the bees and the valiant mule,
I had a chance ter crawl up ter the bank—
Don’t say that my action war cru’l—

For the critter war much better prepar’d
With his tail ter banish his foes,
While I had not a durn’d thing erbout me
Ter aid him the battle ter close.
I had had quite ernough of that skirmish,
And erway up the hill I run
As quickly as my shanks would carry me,
In sarch of my knapsack and gun.

When I had found them I war satersfied,
And did not rernew the ertack
On them wild bees; but, boys, I’m not carten
But that mule still lies on his back
Erway down thar in Berks county, fightin’
The dercendents of them mad bees
What that day swarm’d out of that broken hive!
That’s the yarn!—Who’s treat is it, please?

That Little Black Pet of Our’n.

ELDER, quite a good story is that
Ye read from the Bible ter-day,
Of how that truant, surnam’d Jonah,
Succeeded in findin’ his way
Ter the mouth of that erbligin’ whale,
What tuk him in out of the wet,
And entertain’d him three days and nights,
Whar thar’s free erpartments ter let!

’Pears ter me, that whale war kind-hearted
Ter render sich an act; I’m sure
Most lan’lords would jist tell him ter git
Mighty quick away from thar door—
If he’d not the spondulicks ter pay
For his meals, his washin’ and bed;
But this generous whale surplied all,
And never tax’d Jonah a red!

Do ye think ye could find a lan’lord
In these days as kind as that whale,
What opened his mouth and ax’d him in
When the sea war runnin’ a gale!
I guess ye’d look a long while, Elder,
Ter find one in this ere big State,
Who would not a cuss’d right smart at him,
And left Mr. J. ter his fate.

Elder, I’ve been thinkin’ it over,
And, dog on it! I cannot see
How that story can be at all true;
But as you say so, it must be:
For ye teech us ter berlieve each word
What is writ for our edderfecation,
Ter turn poor sinners ter Jesus Christ,
And rescue ’em from damnation!

I’ll take the yarn, as the whale tuk in
Mr. Jonah, without any doubt;
But, years ago, an ervent tuk place,
What I will tell ye all erbout—
And if ye don’t say, it matches your’n
My name is not Pherlander Lee:
It tuk place when I war rarftin’ lorgs,
Years ago, upon the Suanee,—

With Ashley Cole, Will Starks and Ed. Flynn,
And a dozen or more, maybe,
Of lumbermen, who work’d all day at
Ermanuel labor with me.
We anchor’d our rarft n’ar Cedar Keys,
And squatted down berside the stream
One evenin’, and after supper dropp’d orf
Ter slumber, ter rest and dream—

Of wives and children we’d left erbove
In the pineries days berfore;
And now, worn out with lerborious toil,
We quickly bergan for ter snore.
Ter keep the flies orf we built a fire,
And Fanny, my little black dorg,
That I thought a mighty sight of, sir,
Doubl’d up ter snooze on a lorg—

A few yards from the fire. A sharp yelp
Woke me from my dreams, and, springin’
Right out of my cot, I hurried orf
Whar the cries of my Fanny war ringin’
On the air, as an allergater
In his jaws had cru’lly caught her,
And war makin’ right orf with my pet,
Ter his young ’ns in the water!

Seizin’ a club, I feller’d right fast
After the stealthy, thievin’ brute;
But the night war dark, and the critter
Successfully baffled pursuit!
My dorg war gone: ’twar no use frettin’
O’er raid of that allergater,
What had sneak’d my pet from orf that lorg,
And, I doubted not, had ate her!

She did not come back ter tell the tale
Of how she had been sneak’d away,
And I mourn’d her as lost ter me forever,
And—had not a word ter say.
But, Elder, that war n’t the last I saw
Of that little black pet of our’n,
For two months later, when we’d come down
Agin, and one day war scourin’—

Erbout for game, in a swamp n’ar by
The slimy thief I once more saw!
Liftin’ my rifle, I lodg’d a ball
Right under his uplifted jaw.
In them days I war reckon’d a shot,
And, ye may bet, the critter died:
Then over on his back we turn’d him,
And bergun ter rermove his hide.

While this war doin’ I heer’d a bark
Of a dorg, what appear’d quite near!
’Twar so much like Fanny’s, with my sleeve
I—jist brush’d from my cheek a tear!
Wal, when we had cut the varment open—
Ye won’t berlieve it, but it’s true
As any story I’ve ever told,
My Fanny jump’d squar inter view!

Then, arter her came three pretty purps—
Exact picters of thar mother!
We ply’d our knives agin in the flesh,
And then unkiver’d another!
Ye see, I had rerkiver’d my pet,
What brought back a numerous crop
Of young dogs; now if I hain’t match’d ye,
Why, Elder, I’ll gen’rously stop!

But, wait a bit; a few more inches
We come ter somethin’ kinder hard,
That our sharpest blades would not go through,
And then old Samuel Bard
Pick’d up a hatchet and whack’d erway
Until he came ter some spruce lorgs,
That, bein’ unkiver’d, dersplay’d ter view
The kennel of them little dorgs!

Old Tom Gin.

A “SMILE” is it, Hank Rowland,
Ye invite me ter take,
At the bar of Pete Moody,
Jist for the old time sake,
And ter keep me erwake?
A smile of th’ distillation
Of hell that is call’d Gin,—
The nectar of the devils!
The vile parent of sin,
What many waller in?

I don’t like ter ’pear ’fensive,
My friend Hank, but jist think
The temptation ye set me
When ye ax me ter drink!
No, no! from it I shrink!
Time war when a poor toper
I reel’d erbout the place,
A wretched victim of rum,
That so many embrace
Ter thar lastin’ disgrace!

Hank, I’ll tell ye a story
What’s call’d ter my mind
When I come any whar n’ar
This great curse of mankind
With which stomachs are lin’d!
It makes me blush for the past,
The ’nebriate I’ve been,
When I think of the enemy—
The inciter ter sin—
They have christen’d “Tom Gin.”

When I war marri’d, Hank Rowland,
A likelier young chap
Ye couldn’t find anywhar
This side Cumberland Gap,
For I tuk no “night cap.”
My wife, she war a Christian,
And a true wife war she;
And God rain’d down His blessin’s
On Malinder and me,
With a hand that war free.

She bore me three fine children—
Two fair gals and a boy—
Whose soft chirrupin’ voices
Fill’d the cabin with joy
And love without erloy.
When the honeymoon pars’d
And love seem’d ter grow cold,
I stray’d down ter the tavern,—
Thar squander’d my gold,
And nerglected the fold—

Whar my sunny-ha’r’d treasurs
Gather’d ’bout my wife’s side,
As she teech’d ’em of the Lord
Who on Calvary died,
And for orphans pervide.
As she told them of Heaven,
And repeated that pra’r
Of the Sevior of the world—
So erquented with car’—
They never saw me thar!

Hank Rowland, I’m ershem’d
Ter admit it; but, still,
It may do another good
Ter warn him of what’ll kill,
And I swow that I will;
For, ye see, thar is many
Jist like me ’round here
Turnin’ erway from thar homes
When the smiles diserpear,
’Cause thar wedded ter beer!

Wal, down here ter the tavern,
As a matter of course
I found many good fellers
Who’d not any rermorse,
And did not seem advarse
Ter a toddy or a smoke,
A yarn or a story,
Of Ingen fights on the Plains,
And conflicts quite gory,
In sarch of mere glory.

Hank, them times war attractive,
And I drank like the rest;
As months pars’d it grew on me,
Till I swigg’d with the best—
Pour’d it down with a zest.
Then reelin’ home late at night
The little ones would creep
Erway ter Merlinder’s room
With thar mother ter weep
In vain effort ter sleep!

As years pars’d I grew keerless—
My farm went ter the duce—
And I hurl’d at my treasures—
Thinkin’ I had excuse—
Vile curses and erbuse!
One night I went home much later
And prepar’d ter rertire;
In my drink I upset the lamp—
Then the house war afire,
And my terror war dire!

I stagger’d out ter the yard
And call’d for help. Ter late!
They got out all my children
But baby—little Kate—
Who met a dreadful fate!
The next mornin’, when sober’d,
I found my infant dead,—
Her body charr’d and blackened—
Her death war on my head!
My love for whisky fled?

Berside that rough pine coffin
I knelt me down and wept,
And register’d a vow thar,
Whar little Katey slept,
Hank Rowland, I have kept!
’Twar this: never ter touch it—
This stuff they have nam’d Gin,
What’s draggin’ others ter whar
I, findin’ out my sin,
Rerfus’d ter suck it in!

A smile is it, Hank Rowland,
Ye invite me ter take,
At the bar of Pete Moody,
Jist for the old time sake,
And ter keep me erwake?
No, Hank, none of it for me!
’Twould make the engels groan
Ter see me touch it. I pars!
(Rather be cheng’d ter stone)
Jist run the hand alone!

The Sign of Joe Ball.

ED Colby, yer noted for yer stories
What are marvelous, while thar true,
And I know ye’ll relish a good one,
So I will rercite it ter you.

A few nights ago I kinder crav’d for
A small morsel of sassage meat,
And, jist seizin’ my hat from the mantel,
I hurri’d out inter the street.

At the shop of Joe Ball I diskiver’d
Some what look’d superbly nice;
The stamps war put down, and them sassages
War mine at a nomernal price.

I carri’d them ter my house in triumph,
Without gettin’ scratch’d in the least,
And, sev’rin’ some, waited for daylight
Ter enjoy a savory feast.

I war up with the crow of the rooster,
And went for my sassages straight.
I be gol durn’d if one wasn’t purrin’,
And rubbin’ himself ’gin the gate!

Another had crawl’d ter the parlor,
Whar he crouched down and purr’d,
And wistfully watch’d a wire cage
Whar slumber’d my favorite bird!

Two others I found in the coal cellar,
Anxiously layin’ for rats:
While another had her head in a pitcher
Whar wife kept the milk for the cats!

I next look’d erbout for the balance,
And, an oath I thar gave vent ter.
Though thar tails war tied they war creepin’
Erway from a common center!

I survey’d ’em, and they look’d at me
From out thar harf-closed eyes,
As one of ’em told me that thar mother
Had been chopp’d up inter pies.

The poor little orphans implor’d me
Thar infantile lives ter spar’;
But I had sich a feline mernagerie,
That I flatly rerfus’d thar pra’r.

That mornin’ I miss’d my fav’rite rerpast
Of fried sassages, ter be sure;
But I had the satersfaction ter see
The whole lot drown’d in the sewar!

Whenever ye see the sign of Joe Ball,
Be car’ful not ter enter his lair,
For he prides himself upon his choice stock
Of kitten spic’d sassage and hair.

“THE TABLE,”

BARRY GRAY, Editor,

A MONTHLY MAGAZINE,

Devoted exclusively to subjects connected with the
Pleasures of the Table, the Science of Cooking, and the Art of Good
Living.

PLAN AND CHARACTER OF THE WORK.

The Table will contain short essays on Breakfasts,
Dinners & Teas, Wines, Fruits & Confections.

It will have its Breakfast Table Chat, its Dinner
Table Talk, and its Tea Table Gossip.

Housekeepers and Cooks will find in it recipes for the making of new, rare and savory dishes. A Bill of Fare, appropriate for the season, will appear in each number. Accounts of Public
Banquets, Dinner Parties, etc., will be recorded in its pages.

The form of The Table will be a large octavo, twenty pages to each number.

TERMS OF SUBSCRIPTION:

One Copy for One Year, | $1.00
Single Copies, | 10

M. DOOLADY, Publisher,

| 98 Nassau Street.

A New, Revised, Corrected, and Illustrated Edition

OF THE

OLD MERCHANTS

OF

NEW-YORK CITY.

By WALTER BARRETT, Clerk.

In 3 Vols., Crown 8vo, Cloth Extra. Price, $7.50.

Of this work it is truly said “that no more interesting reading can be found for the growing MERCANTILE mind of the United States than a history of the LEADING MEN who have laid the foundations of the wealth and prosperity of its great METROPOLIS.”

“Valuable as a book of reference.”

THIS BOOK CAN NOT FAIL TO BE

INTERESTING TO EVERY BUSINESS MAN.

IT CONTAINS

UPWARD OF 2000 PROMINENT NAMES.

Agents wanted to Sell in all parts of the Country.

M. DOOLADY, Publisher,

98 Nassau Street.

The most interesting and thrilling Book of the day.

PERILS OF THE PERIOD!

A THRILLING BOOK OF FACTS!

By JOSEPH HERTFORD.

Price, Paper, 50 cents; Cloth, $1.00.

CONTENTS.
At Niblo’s by Gaslight. | Grace Church Morality.
In a Villain’s Toils. | Crime in Pantalets.
Temptations of Hotel Life. | Striking Pen Portraits.
A Bust for Ten Cents. | A Private Post-Office.
The Perils of Beauty. | The Amorous Epistle of a Judge.
A Meeting by Appointment. | A Woman in Man’s Attire.
Fashionable Society. | Fifth Avenue Belles.
From the Heights of Morality to the Rocks of Death.

These are some of the subjects and incidents treated in this startling record of facts. They are unpleasant examples of vice, error, and criminal guilt, leading souls from the pinnacle of morality to the degrading depths of sin and ruin; and a complete exposé of some of the pernicious characters which stalk through this great city by day and night alike. Fathers, Mothers, Brothers, all should read it.

Transcriber's Notes:

The cover image was created by the transcriber, and is in the public domain.

Uncertain or antiquated spellings or ancient words were not corrected.

Errors in punctuation and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected unless otherwise noted.

Typographical errors have been silently corrected but other variations in spelling and punctuation remain unaltered.

In TOC, page no. for "Bob Munn of Cape Cod" was corrected from 14 to 16.

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Table of Contents

- Tar-Heel Tales IN VERNACULAR VERSE.

- Author’s Preface.

- HORACE GREELEY.

- The Curse of Pedergogue Scott.

- Bob Munn of Cape Cod.

- My Rerligion.

- Little Boots.

- The Buzzin’ Bees of Berks.

- That Little Black Pet of Our’n.

- Old Tom Gin.

- The Sign of Joe Ball.

- THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE